I've struggled with how to blog about this for days. I typed up a brutally truthful version of this a few days ago, but thought better of it.
Clara almost killed herself on Saturday and it was entirely my fault. There. I said it. I could blame it on any number of things, but I left my chewable prenatals out where she could reach them and her little Houdini-fingers had no trouble opening the bottle. By the time I got to her, there were 43 tablets missing. She had a mouthful and she fed a good amount to the dog. After some breathless waiting for the poison control person to calculate what would have been a lethal dose, I was told she would be fine. She might suffer from some scary GI symptoms, but most likely she wouldn't get the internal bleeding. Gasp. 56 tablets would have been the lethal dose. Did I mention that this is my second call to poison control in two months? She also tried to down an entire bottle of tylenol w/ codeine recently, which resulted in a very scary trip to the ER.
At church, she escapes me frequently and I find her in any number of ridiculous predicaments... covered in tempera paint, hiding in the Sunday school supply closet, for example. No matter where we are, the temper tantrums are constant and time-outs are frequent.
I feel very inadequate, both publicly and inwardly. Oftentimes, when I share this with friends, I hear, "and you want another one?!" and if it isn't spoken it's written all over their face. My prayer is that God would use my need for grace in parenting Clara, for his glory, and that I wouldn't lose sight of the privilege it is to raise my sweet girl. She is still so very much my baby and it tears at my heart to have to be in a constant battle of the wills with her. I also worry that the combination of her excellent ability to find trouble, and my weaknesses as a parent will get her really hurt. It's hard to swallow.
For now, I'm being hyper vigilant about medicines and vitamins being in their proper place, and reevaluating my priorities... ie. computer time. Do I need to sit at the computer more than once a day? Do I make enough time with just her? If I do everything right, assuming that's even possible, will I be less in need of God's grace to parent her? Somewhere there's a balance to be struck. I hope we find it, for her sake and ours.