Tuesday, January 09, 2007

a long entry

I've been reading a book by Rose Marie Miller, called From Fear to Freedom. I've never taken the Sonship course, but it seems to be a glimpse at Sonship themes. In it, Miller shares her testimony of her mid-life crisis and how God changed her as she dealt with her own shortcomings and the way she let down people she cared about.

This really hits home for me, because I'm such a people pleaser. When someone doesn't like something about me, I feel stifled and bitterness grows deep inside me. Sometimes their dislike is warranted, sometimes it's unwarranted, and sometimes it's in my imagination. I have a very hard time being okay with who God has called me to be. A good example of this is my house. Our house is a huge blessing. We bought it for very little money and we've been able to do all of the work on it out of pocket, thanks to my handyman husband. When we sell it, we will make almost triple what we payed for it. The hard part is that progress has been slow lately, due to our three little ones. In addition to that, we have never had the kind of income required to buy nice furniture. With the exception of our dinner table (an Ikea deal), everything is of low quality or a hand-me-down (three times over). I should be thankful. I have a warm, cozy home that we own, and we constantly have loved ones in and out of it. God has used our home as a haven for people we love, and yet I find myself torn up inside anytime anyone visits, because it doesn't measure up to what I know other people have. The rugs are stained, the furniture is dingy and uncomfortable, I'm not very good at decorating (no money to buy decorations), and I'm not meticulously neat--I'm a clutterbug trying to be a neatnick.

I should be secure in the cross. I should know by now that God can use even me, even in this half-done, unfashionable, cluttered house, to bring glory to Himself. I should recognize that I'm the one stealing my joy, the joy that God gave me, which comes from letting go of the need to measure up.

I'll just say it... I don't measure up. In terms of impressing people, I'm a loser. I don't play the game well. I stick my foot in it over and over again. If I dwell on this, I get really depressed.

God's not impressed with me and He never will be... but He loves me! I feel hokey, but it's something to shout about. He really did use the foolish things of this world to put to shame the wise. He chose me and I'm the biggest fool I know.


keri said...

I love that book and another friend (http:// lisahuggins.blogspot.com) has it on her "books that changed my life" list. I look forward to hearing what else God teaches you through it.

And for what it's worth, I felt very ministered to the time I ate lunch with you at your house. And actually, I came away very encouraged that I wasn't the only one who lives just like that - in the midst of tools and hand-me-downs and never-finished projects. I do remember eating your tacos with homemade guacamole and I felt very at-ease at your table. :)

Love, Keri

Karen said...

Thanks Keri. The funny thing is that despite what I wrote earlier, I really do enjoy hosting people and cooking for them. It's just that the joy I get in being a hostess is so overshadowed by my own insecurities. It's definitely a spiritual battle. Very humbling.