I suppose I've always been a worrier. I'm a pretty fearful person in general. Learning to trust a good God has been the hardest lesson I've been forced to learn (over and over). So tonight, after a busy day, I'm turning to "what-ifs" and sinking into guilt over things I've left undone and relationships I've let slip by uncultivated. My heart's heavy.
What has always helped me when I feel this way is to think through what it is I'm stressed about and speak a truth for every lie I'm telling about myself. It's corny, but it reminds me of the big picture and takes me out of the funk I'm in.
Tonight I'm stressed worrying about the kids. Dana and Janie stumbled into a ticks' nest in August when they were picking figs at a friend's house. I ended up picking about 5-10 deer ticks off of Dana and about 20 or more ticks off of Janie. I was really freaked out, but held off on rushing them to the doctor's office. Our pediatrician was on maternity leave and I am a little self conscious about being seen as an overprotective mom, so I decided to wait until I saw a rash (if one appeared at all). I checked their scalps regularly and behind their ears, but didn't notice anything unusual. A month later, I noticed a spot behind Dana's left ear, where I had picked a few of the ticks off. It was about the size of a brown mole, but lighter colored and ever so slightly lighter in the middle. It looked like a new mole, if you know what I mean. Now, two months after the tick bites, it looks like a very small target shaped rash and I feel terrible. He totally needed to be on antibiotics two months ago, when it first happened, but I chose to wait it out and now I really don't know what will happen. I need to get him in tomorrow.
Janie has been complaining of a sore throat all summer long. She's been checked out and they said she looked fine. I thought she was making it up, until she broke down to Matt crying and said that I didn't believe her and she was really sick. Ugh. So, what's bothering her? After finally sitting down to hear her out, it sounds like she's got some kind of acid reflux or something. She says her throat has fire in it when she lays down. Makes sense. I feel bad though, because I thought she was making it up to get out of going to bed. Again, ugh.
I have to say, I'm not feeling like supermom right now. The truth is that it's probably good not to feel like supermom. We see God's huge satisfying grace so much better when we know how weak and imperfect we are. I pray for God to pull me closer to Him and he's doing it. These are good things. It just hurts to fail my kids. I want to be an excellent mom, not just a decent one. I want to protect them, at least as much as I can. The hard thing comes when I realize that I'm just going to keep disappointing them. That's when I have to learn to trust that God's at work in me all the time, shaping me, changing me and that regardless of whether I'm supermom or not, he loves me, because of Jesus. AND, my kids aren't doomed to some horrible life. God's at work in their lives just like mine and he loves them too. Whatever comes, that's the big picture.