Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I feel like I'm...

sinking into myself today. I started the day pumped, because after gaining weight and feeling depressed, I've joined Curves. Gasp. I know. I'm against this stuff. Why pay someone for the privilege of wearing yourself out, when we chose to pay extra for our chores not to wear us out. Our society is so backwards. This is one reason why I bake bread and use cloth diapers (1/2 of the time at least). Yes, aren't I perceptive and good at sensing foolishness? The problem is that I'm putting on weight and I'm tired and grumpy most of the time, so although I would like to give gym mega-chains the finger, I'm joining with a 2-YEAR CONTRACT!!!!

This isn't why I'm sinking into myself though. It's like 6th grade, when book reports were due, and everyone else had their book report done and in, but I was sinking into my chair. Why? If I happened to remember to do it, it was at home buried under my junk on the floor of my room, or it was fully written in my head and forgotten about. Today is a day when I feel that way, only this time I'm disappointing my husband, and making stupid financial brain farts that make me want to dig a hole and hide in it. BTW- the financial brain farts have nothing to do with Curves. The hard part is that this isn't just one isolated incident. It's a chain of stupid moves and forgotten responsibilities that makes my stomach sick and gives me a headache. I'm clinging to the cross, thankful for grace, and begging for change in me. As a people pleaser, it's really stinking hard to make a post like this. It's hard to call your sin for what it is and do it out in the open. I don't even know why I'm doing this. If you think of me, will you pray for my humility and diligence?


Darla said...

OK That's It!!! You are being way too hard on yourself. You haven't had enough "adult" time. You are having "way" too much time to think! :-)
You need more time out with the girls. This is Todd's last week in town. (He leaves on the 9th). I'm going to call you sometime soon and make plans for us to do dinner or something after Todd leaves. And then a few more times after that!!

linda said...

I think of you. I've been there or should I say I am there, I don't know. Cut yourself a little slack, with three little ones our mind is constantly going in several directions. I have also found that nearing thirty and birthing three children does wonders for the figure. Maybe we can help keep eachother accountable, cause I've been feeling cruddy about too. You'll make it, just set a reasonable goal , and save a little time for walks with me.

Jeannette said...


The weight. The brain farts!

I feel ya!

Lynn said...

Ooh, I AM a brain fart. And letting down the husband when you've just let the brain slip (over and over) sucks big time.

keri said...

I've been feeling kind of icky, lately, too, only because of my impatience and ease with which I am annoyed by my children and husband. I just keep seeing my sin every time I open my mouth and I hate it.

I guess that is why we have these blogs, though, is to not only see other people's real lives, but to look back when we are in a better place and remember God's faithfulness. I don't mean to make light of your frustration or pain. I'm right there with you.

Love, Keri

Karen said...

Ladies, thanks for the encouragement and the sympathy. Today has been better, and as funny as it sounds, God has really been pushing me to praise Him in all of this mess I've created. I do have quite a bit to praise Him for... three healthy kids, a very forgiving husband ;), my family, my friends... etc.

Best of all, I have a God who loves my screw-up self and not all of the brain-farts in the world (phew) can measure up to the magnitude of his grace. I'm in awe of it right now. Thanks for your prayers.

Erin said...

Thanks for your honesty Karen, so many of us moms relate to your frustration and pain. You always tell me not to clean my house when you visit- I love it when a sister just gets vulnerable and lets her "house" be messy sometimes, it gives the rest of us the freedom to do the same.
We spent date night last night arguing in the truck.
I told Gavin I was taking away all of his toys.
I still can't zip one pair of my pants.